Fishing & Online Dating

I'm sitting on a blue and white beach chair; staring at the ocean. There's a perfectly chilled mimosa to my left, an unopened umbrella to my right, and a strong breeze that's kissing me from my head - all the way down to my sand-covered toes.

I'm wearing sunglasses, my favorite swimsuit, and the biggest smile I own. As a single woman who's been sleeping with her heating pad for the last 8 months, I have to say this sunshine is exceeding my desire for warmth.

(Takes sip of mimosa)

And to those of you wondering, yes, I am wearing sunscreen. Not baby oil and iodine ladies. This isn't 1975. 

Sunscreen is cool, and mineral sunscreen is even cooler. Even my toddler loves that it's natural and chemical-free. 

(Raises glass to the birds)

Alright. Who am I kidding? I'm not at the beach anymore. I started this blog on vacation last month; I passed out in that blue and white beach chair, then dropped my phone in the sand.

(Takes sip of wine)

You know what else is awesome?

"Online dating." She says, with strong notes of sarcasm. 

Google defines online dating as: the practice of searching for a romantic or sexual partner on the internet; typically via a dedicated website.

Yes, my dream about bumping into a tall, dark, and handsome fellow at the Whole Foods isn't quite coming true. So I put myself back on the internet a few weeks ago. 

But I just can't get into it.
I will admit on slower nights after my daughter goes to sleep and mommy's finished her second glass of alcohol, I will secretly explore the world wide web. Being 30 years old, I’m finding dating at 30 is WAY different than dating at 20 - especially when you have a toddler. 

I mean, I've already experienced an engagement, a big wedding, buying a home, a marriage, birthing a child, selling a home, and a divorce. Those life events really change up the game with the questions you ask your next potential partner. 

No more, "Describe your perfect day." or "What do you do for fun." 

Now it's more like, "Describe the relationship between you and your mother, and you and your father as a child." Or "Are you satisfied and in love with your career?" Or "What are you passionate about that fills the deepest parts of your soul with vibrancy and joy?"

(Swirls wine in glass)

For those of you who've been out of the dating scene a while, here's the essence of dating online:

1)  Choose a site that's right for you. Sites like: eharmony, Zoosk, Match, FarmersOnly, Tinder - whatever suits your fancy. Some sites do require you to pay to gain full access - but others are free.

2) Depending on the site you choose, you may have to answer a few or a few hundred questions to create the most accurate matches and harmonizations possible.

3)  Let the site know what you're looking for in a man/woman.

4) Once your profile is created, add some photos that showcase your best self.

5) Now you're ready to see profiles of everyone else who decided online dating was right for them.

(Takes deep breath in)

I'm going to share with you now - my inner monologue as I open the app - to the faces of single men:

"Hello, Greg. Boy, do you love to fish. (Swipes through pics). You're holding one in every photo. I like to fish too, Greg, but not as much as you." Next.

"Ooo, Ben looks nice. 6'2". Bachelor's degree. Smoker. Shoot." Next.

"Anthony is confident. Every picture is a shirtless selfie in a bathroom." Next. 

"Chad is cute. 5'11". Athletic and toned. Has 5 kids. That's a lot of kids." Next.

"Hi Dan. Yep. You're super stoked about fishing too." Next.

"Oh, Michael looks responsible - doing keg stands." Next.

"Pat seems strong. All of his photos are of him flexing at the gym." Next.

"Randy's photos are all blurry, but his cats are quite clear." Next.

"What's with all the fish pics? I do not care about the size of your Northern Pike, Brian." Next.

"Garrett looks like Willy Wonka. And not the version with Johnny Depp." Next.

"Luke is handsome. 6' 0". Self-Employed. 24 years old? I'm like his mother." Next.

"Wow, Paul has climbed Mount Everest. Twice. Not sure I could keep up with Paul." Next.

"Brady seems fun. But I'm 5'8". He's 5' 4". Son of a B. Next."

"Is this a man or a woman?" Next.

"How many more dead animals can you fit in your living room, Todd?" Next.

“Rick is kissing all of his fish.” Next.

"If I see another profile covered in fish, I am going downstairs to refill my wine."

"Adam. Age 34. Engineer. Lives in Duluth. And I can hardly see his face behind his sunglasses and the massive bass he's holding."

(Walks downstairs)

Seriously, some nights I feel like I'm trying to find a sexy cocktail dress in a catalog for Fleet Farm. 

(Puts phone down/picks up wine)

Don't get me wrong, fishing is great. You contribute to conservation when you purchase a fishing license, that funds many wildlife and conservation programs. It's also stress-relieving, it improves social bonding, and actually catching something can be quite the thrill.

But here's a shoutout to all you men hiding behind your slippery friends with fins - women want to date YOU. Not the dead flounder you're holding. It's wonderful you can catch such a large sturgeon, but women crave more than what's on the end of your pole.

(Sips wine/pauses for deep thought)

My question for you today is: What is or what was your dating experience like? 

I would love to hear your stories. 

And to the one with the best story, I will mail you a gift card.

To Bass Pro Shop.

As always, if you found value in this blog, drop a comment below, or share it with someone you love. I'm Living Simply Sam. Living simply is what I do.

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