Healthy Living: Why It's Killing Me Softly

I'm sitting at my kitchen table.

There's peanut butter and maple syrup smudged all over its surface, and hanging out next to me are 2 Barbies, a dinosaur, and a doll named Susan. There are also gummy snack wrappers, a bowl of grapes, and a small stack of mail I have yet to open.

My eagerness has seemed to escape me.

Tonight I'm wearing green shorts and a light gray shirt covered in tears.

"Goodness, it looks like I was at Sea World sitting in the splash zone." She says, looking down at her chest.

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed it feels like everything around you is spinning?

Not gonna lie, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster from Hell yesterday.

It's funny though, I didn't just hop on and yell, "Let her rip."

No. This has s-l-o-w-l-y been creeping up. Slowly but surely God has been talking to me through my circle of friends. He's been talking to me through family, and through multiple situations. All of these thoughts, conversations, and realizations have finally snowballed enough for me to lose it.

And boy, did I lose it.

A random site on Google says: At a population level, healthy living refers to the practices of groups that are consistent with supporting, improving, maintaining, and/or enhancing health.

Healthy living is the practice of health-enhancing behaviors, or put simply, living in healthy ways.

Living in healthy ways...

(Grabs a bottle of wine)

I recently had a conversation with a friend. The convo started when she was hesitant to unpack her groceries at a VRBO we were staying at because some of the items she brought weren't the healthiest and weren't all organic.

"What?! I don't care that everything you eat isn't organic. Do you think I'm judging you? What's going on here?"

Here we go.

Over the past 6 years, I have been making changes to better my health.

I was 50 pounds heavier; suffered from headaches, heartburn, anxiety, depression, constipation - all the good stuff.

One year, I watched my mother lose 30 pounds from doing this thing called "reading labels".

You know, you pick up an item at the grocery store and read the ingredient list. Then, you Google all of the questionable and unpronounceable ingredients to see the possible side effects it can have on your body, what sort of cancer it causes in rats, etc., all while trying to get your toddler to stay in the cart.

"It's a blast." She says as she raises her glass to Susan and the two lifeless Barbies.

Don't get me wrong, my health wouldn't be where it is today if it wasn't for my mother. I am very grateful for her experience and guidance.

I also have worked in the health and wellness industry for the past 10 years.

In the deepest depths of my soul, I find so much joy in helping people feel good. Helping people be healthy, be comfortable, be less stressed, be less moody, be thinner, be motivated, be energized, be empowered, be better, be better, be better...

I'm surrounded by self-help advocates, podcasts, self-development books, and new and improved ways to be better at who you are. But I'm not gonna lie...right now I just want to BE.

I say this as I cry hysterically and shake my own head, but I am so tired of thinking about how I can BE BETTER.

(Takes deep breath)

I am physically and mentally drained thinking and caring SO MUCH about everything I put in, on, and around my body. Everything from food, beverages, personal care products, deodorants, sunscreens, makeup, bug sprays, household items, cleaning supplies, laundry detergents, perfumes, lotions, and soaps.

Even TAMPONS can be toxic.

(Takes aggressive sip)

Oh. And don't forget radiation from your cellphones. Yeah, they say that's bad too.

Ooo, and microwaves.

Do you live near a cellphone tower?

Is your home protected from 5G?

What about cornfields?

Is the northeast wind blowing chemicals into your windows at night?

What about vitamins? Minerals?

Do you take vitamin D? Can't take D3 if you don't take K2.

What do you mop your floors with?

Are you walking barefoot on all that ammonia and 2-Butoxyethanol?

Did you know that can cause pulmonary edema and sore throats when inhaled at high levels?

What about Screen time? FaceTime?

What about the word fragrance?

Did you know there are 3,163 ingredients that hide behind this word?

Do you wear perfume?

Do you have a dry vagina? Troubles having an orgasm?

Is your mattress organic?

Red Dye 40 - Do your kids drive you to drink because they won't sit still?

What about pesticides? Can't forget to wash and rinse.

Eczema. Why won't your skin stop itching?

Plastics. Cancer cells. Do you drink water from bottles that are thin and easy to smush?

Bags under your eyes? That could be due to the fact that your kidneys are leaking large amounts of protein in the urine. Just a general symptom caused by a build-up of toxins.

(Takes quick sip)

What about clothes? Why do we have to wash our clothes before we wear?

Ahh yes, because it reduces the content of chemicals that may be leftover from the manufacturing process.

FML.

I do have friends and family that joke about health and we exchange the sarcastic banter.

"How many toxins did you have for breakfast this morning, Sammy Jo?" My grandmother will say. "Not as many as you did, Gran." I say in return.

But I don't want to talk about ingredients and act they're apart of casual conversation. They are not casual. They are psycho and intense conversation to the majority of the public.

Thank you Jesus for opening up my eyes.

I also don't want to plan ahead and eat before I attend a social gathering because I know the food there won't be healthy. That isn't relaxing for me.

Sure, I've gone to parties, said "screw it" and ate the food there. Then afterward, I'm either gassy, constipated or have explosive diarrhea.

But it felt so good not to care for that little bit.

I don't want to know that the carrageenan in dairy products is used to thicken, emulsify and stabilize the consistency, and can trigger inflammation and gastrointestinal ulcerations.

I don't want to spend $30 on a tube of natural mascara. I actually prefer the $8 dollar tube at Target. Yes, it's made with chemicals and beaver ass secretions, but it sure makes my lashes look pretty.

(Pours another glass)

Goodness gracious, I could use some Gangster's Paradise and a fresh pack of Camels.

(Takes long sip)

Would you want to be known as the "label Nazi"? I surely do not.

I like to think of myself as a 1950's housewife. You know, the happy woman in the kitchen, wearing the polka dot dress and heels. You zoom in on her face and she's smiling bright, with her head cocked to one side and she's saying, "Hi! I'm Sam. I love health, but I don't give 2 shits anymore about what goes into my pecan pie."

(Finishes off glass)

Have you ever done something in your life to the extreme? Have you ever had a positive result from something you did on your own? Did it make you happy and excited?

I became addicted to labels because it helped me lose weight; and a bunch of other wonderful things.

But here's what I'm afraid of:

If I relax my eating and start to not care, I am afraid I will gain it back again.

If I don't read the labels, I am afraid I will start getting the headaches.

If I let things continually slip, I am afraid I'll become inflamed and start feeling pain again in my back and my hands.

If I don't pay attention, I am afraid I'll become constipated, my poop won't look like soft serve, and my ever-lasting hemorrhoids will make their return.

(Pauses for deep thought)

So where's the balance?

I'm not really sure what to do next.

Usually the unknown makes me anxious, but right now I'm almost feeling brave.

"Maybe even a little dangerous." She whispers.

I might just head to the store...sneak into the cookie aisle...place a pack of OREOS next to my kale and organic Virginia peanuts, and walk away.

Cheers to lightening up.

Cheers to the unknown.

And cheers to being human.

If you found value in this blog, please drop a comment or share it with someone you love. I'm Living Simply Sam. Living simply is what I'm trying to do.